Infants/Toddlers | Preschool Children |
School Age (6-12) | Adolescents

General Grief Information and Children

Realizing that parents often don’t have a lot of time when they have to tell their children about the death of a loved one. Here is a quick reference for you. The information below provides general information about grief and most children. Some information may or may not pertain to your child. Remember this is generic to all children. For more information about grief that is related to your child’s developmental level, go to the above link for grief and development. For information about how specifically to help your child, please seek the support of a counselor.

It is easy to be afraid to tell children how the person died. Suicide is a difficult concept to explain to a child. It is best if they hear the information from their surviving parent or a close family member. They need to hear the information in a safe time and place.
If you don’t feel strong enough to tell your child about the death all by yourself, it is okay to ask for support from counselors, ministers, funeral directors, etc. to be there for support.
It is important to tell children the truth in simple terms that they can understand. Children will often ask questions to get answers that they really want to know; respond truthfully. It is easier to find out this important information in a safe way, from a person they trust following the event, than finding it out from some one else much later.
When talking about death be concrete and uses specific terms. Explain what death means and what it means to die by suicide. Avoid using abstract words like “passed away.” Say, “grandpa died”. The children’s book When Dinosaurs Die, by Marc Brown is a great resource to help explain death in simple terms in a way young children can understand. The book even discusses suicide as a way in which someone can die.
There is a link between depression and suicide. Depression is a sickness of the brain and can lead people to do things that they would not normally do.
When talking to your children, you don’t need to hide your feelings. Children are very perceptive and often can sense your feelings. It is better to be truthful than dishonest.
Every person responds to grief differently. Allow children to grieve in their way.
Typically when a person copes with the loss of someone important, they must go through a healing process. This means people have to experience a variety of feelings at different times. Even children have to experience these difficult feelings to heal. Parents can’t protect the child from these tough feelings, like anger, sadness, quilt, etc.
Sometimes it is easier to cope with death if we find something “good” about it. For example, “Aren’t you happy he is not suffering anymore?” Children need to discover their own good, rather than us telling them what we think is good.
Children all cry differently some cry and others do not. If your child does not cry or seems more interested in playing, this is normal and don’t worry. If it continues for a long period of time, you may want to get the support of a grief program or counselor.
Young children cannot typically tell people how they feel. Children’s true feelings are shown through changes in their behavior.
Give yourself permission to cry in front of children. You are modeling positive ways to handle emotions. Tears are a positive way to deal with difficult emotions.
Children are often good judges of what they can handle and what they cannot. So if you wonder if your child should go to the funeral, you may want to ask them what they would like to do. It is a good idea to have someone the child trust, like a family friend or teacher who can sit with the child, so if they want to leave, they can.
If you’re overwhelmed with grief, get emotional support for yourself. Be careful to remember you have surviving children that need you.
Children can’t grasp that in the future they will feel better, they can only focus on the here and now. Deal with the present issues.
Once children understand that someone can die, they may be afraid that other people who are close to them will die. Don’t promise YOU won’t die. You can say, “I think I will live until I’m very, very old,” and explain what you are doing to take care of yourself so you won’t die, like wearing seatbelts in the car, going to the doctor, eating healthy, etc. Let them know if you do die, they will be taken care of.
Keep the person’s memory alive, talk about them, celebrate their birthday, and keep pictures of the loved one around.
Children will not always want to talk about the death. Children can only handle, “bits and pieces” of grief at a time. Allow them to set their own timetable.
Keep routine for children. Just because they are grieving does not mean they don’t need rules and structure.
Children may grieve over different things. They may not physically show their grief from the loss of their parent, but openly grieve the loss of a class pet. It may all be related.
Give lots of hugs and touches.
Save special items from the deceased to give the living child later.
It is okay to share your faith, your child may like hearing your beliefs.
Tell the child he did not cause the death. Many children will think they caused it, even if they know they did not.
Allow children to select the play activities they need to work through their grief.
Give the child something to do. It will help combat his helplessness.
Expect them to regress a little, i.e. sleep with a nightlight.

Developmental Levels of Grief (Age of your child and behavior you might see)

It is important to know that no two children and no two people grieve alike. Grief is unique to individuals. Children can only grieve what they are able to understand. Below you will find basic information on children’s developmental understanding of grief and issues that impact them at their stage. Although children may be in one developmental stage, their grief may look like another stage. This is okay. It is important to read all stages to have a better understanding of your child’s potential needs.

Grieving is a process that does not happen all at once and takes time to go through. Children will often grieve again and again as they gain a better understanding of what death is and what suicide means. The loss from suicide is a unique and difficult loss. Surviving loved ones face their own challenges. Seek support from grief programs, and counselors to help make this difficult process smoother.

Children do not have a good understanding of their own feelings and cannot always or consistently talk about their feelings. It is important to be good observers of their behavior, their words and their artwork. Ask teachers at school and at church, as well as friends to help observe. Get help from a grief counselor or a grief program for help with your child’s specific needs.

Family dynamic will ultimately change after the death of someone. Be aware of the changes and allow your children to be a part in making some of the changes. Hold them, touch them and support them as best as you can. When you need help for yourself and for them get the support from a professional.

Infants/Toddlers

Children from Birth to age two are beginning their language development. They often understand more than they can say, especially for children ages one-two. Be simple but specific when talking about death to children. Even though it is a hard word to say use the word died. It is concrete and cannot be confused with other meanings.
Children at this age have no understanding of death and think only in the present here and now. So they will often think about the person coming back. Gently remind them that this person has died and they cannot see/touch the person anymore. But you can look at pictures and talk about memories.
Infants and toddlers thrive on an environment that is governed by routines and constant support of a regular caregiver. If they lost one of their primary caregivers spend time each day building trust and attachment. You cannot spoil young children; they need the extra attention. Keep their routines as consistent as possible.
Expect the children to be more fussy or cranky, especially if primary caregiver was the one who died. Be patient and soothing to them. It is impossible to keep everything totally the same. When you are emotionally drained ask for help from friends and family.
Children at this age often take on the emotions of their primary caregivers, even if you think you are hiding them. It is okay to cry in front of them.
They are egocentric and can only think about their own immediate needs. They can’t think about the future or understand waiting for things. Be patient with them.
Children often regress to an earlier stage. Children, who stopped sucking their thumb, often begin again. Children, who were potty trained, often stop. This is normal and will get better with time.

Preschool Children (ages 2 ½ - 5)

Children at this age do not understand death is irreversible or permanent. They think someone who dies can come back to life. They will talk about this person coming back and it is normal. Simply remind them their loved one is dead and we won’t be able to see them again. As the children get older, they will begin to understand this concept.
Children at this age are very concrete and words can confuse them. Using words like “died” or “made himself die” is concrete and will be less confusing. Avoid words like passed away, sleeping, gone to be with the Lord, etc. Suicide is an abstract term for children, help them understand what this word means. For survivors, it is hard to use the word “died,” but is important for the children.
Children are egocentric which means they think the world revolves around them. They often think that they caused the death or the death relates to them in some way. You will need to help them and reassure them they did not cause this, not just once, but several times.
Children at this age experience magical thinking. This means they may think up “strange” explanations for things. They often cannot separate things that they saw in a dream and things that are real. If a child comes up with things that don’t seem to make sense, this is normal. Simply remind them of what the truth is.
Children at this age often regress to earlier behaviors like bedwetting, thumb sucking and waking up night. This is also very normal and will get better with time.
Allow children to talk about the death. They may want to talk about it at what seems like inappropriate times as well as tell everyone. This helps them understand the finality of death.
Children at this age may want to avoid the body or explore and touch the body. Allow them to do what they are ready for. Children at this age have a good sense of what their ready for. If they do not want to go near the body respect that. If they want to constantly touch the body, this is okay because it helps them understand death.
Children need to be prepared for what to expect. Explain in simple terms what will happen during the funeral and events to come.
When one person dies in a child’s life it opens up the realization that others can die. If the child asks about your death, reassure them about what you are doing to stay alive, and what will happen to them if you do die. Reassure them they will be taken care of.
Children will usually ask questions to issues that are bothering them, be sure to answer their questions in the most honest and simple way you can.

School Age (6-12)

Since this age range is so wide it may help to read the grief reactions of the preschool child and/or the adolescent child, depending on the age of your child. Many reactions depend on the age, maturity and life experiences of the child. Please read all three areas and apply specifically to your child.
Peers become increasingly important for children at this age. They do not want to be different from their friends. Children at this age will keep feelings inside in fear that they may be laughed at. This in an even bigger concern when their loved one committed suicide. Help children decide on how they want to deal with their friends and help them do this.
Children at this age will often go to their friends for support, rather than parents. This is difficult for the same age peers to know what to do and say. Be aware your child maybe seeking support and not getting good support.
They will often need to release feelings often by using physical means, like hitting the pillow, screaming. They are still gaining understanding of their feelings and what to do with them.
Children at this age may think that they had something to do with the death, especially if someone has said things like “you’re driving me crazy,” or “you make me mad.” The child could have just simply done something wrong prior to the death and then felt like they were part of the reason.
Children at this age often ask a lot of questions or say strange things in order to help them understand grief and death. They often become interested in the specific biological process of death. They will often ask questions to help them understand this process. Some children will not talk or ask questions at all, but does not necessarily mean they don’t want to understand.
Remember this is a difficult time for all children of this age, not just children who have lost a loved one. It gets even more complicated when you have lost someone to suicide. Be patient and seek help from a licensed counselor for help.

Adolescents

A grieving teenager is still a teen. All behaviors which teens often exhibit like showing risky behaviors, exploring with sexual activity, pulling away from parents continues to exist. When a teen is grieving, especially grieving the loss of someone to suicide, these behaviors often become more intense.
Teens have an adult understanding of death and are flooded with emotions that they often do not have the maturity to understand and deal appropriately with. They probably feel numb and don’t know what to do. Help them find an appropriate person who can help them deal with these emotions. This person may be a family friend, a minister, a youth group leader, a neighbor. If this person can emotionally support your child in an appropriate way, it is okay to encourage this. If you do not have someone like this, you may need to find a counselor and you may need to go to several before finding one that your child can connect with.
Children at this age need time to deal with their feelings and to do it in their timetable.
Peers are very important to teens and they will most likely seek support from their peers. They may not be getting the best of support from their peers who may be at a loss on how to help.
Teens need to be in control of whom they tell about the suicide and when they tell. Work with your teen on how you are going to handle the question “How did your loved one die?” Support your teen in his response.
Find a place where your teen can go if they need to be alone or talk to someone. There needs to be a place at home and at school.
Be aware that roles at home may change and teens may be asked to take on more responsibility than they are ready for or can handle. If a parent dies teens may be asked to take on some of the parenting roles. If a sibling dies, a teen may struggle with their place in the family as well as helping fill in family chores while the parents are actively grieving.